Hi folks! Enjoying 2024 thus far?
I’m at the age (or maybe I’m wired this way independent of oldness) when the turning of the calendar sends me backward, yanking me into some yesteryear memory. Like this one when our longtime writing group would meet for the purpose of setting intentions.
Recognize anyone? This was January, 2009, before at least a dozen best-selling and/or acclaimed books were published by individuals in this photo. Fifteen years later, we’re all grayer, older, (wiser?) and definitely more “seasoned.” Also, we have better gadgets. I mean, I don’t even know if this picture was taken with a smart phone. And if it was, we’re talking the 3G iPhone with 2 pixels. Explains the low rez in this photo, yes?
Skipping up memory lane, let’s revisit another January. This one, three years later, in 2012 (somewhere between iPhone 4 and 5). I was deep in the creation of what would become my second published YA novel, The Empress Chronicles. While researching all things Sisi (the reluctant empress of Austria), I kept a blog infused with what I imagined her fictional voice to be (note the comment by not-yet-famous Leigh Bardugo, a regular reader!).
It was a parody, but I had a lot of fun embellishing Sisi’s idiosyncrasies. Our girl had a wee eating disorder, so I thought it might be interesting to dive into the fad diets of the mid-nineteenth century as they were practiced by the European elite.
Here’s the post:
Another January, another set of resolutions to follow and then abandon. What’s an Empress to do?
Known as much for my gorgeous hair as my fanatical exercise regime and eating disorder, I think I’m an authority on history’s most bizarre and compelling fad diets. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Sisi’s Very Own Milk, Blood, and Pastry Regime. Balance is key, ladies, if you wish to mitigate a sweet tooth. Upon awakening, take a vial of stag blood along with a full stein of milk (if possible, from your very own cow or goat). Fast until dinner, at which time you may allow yourself another shot of blood and/or milk with which to wash down a pastry or two. Extra points if you execute 10 pull-ups on your trapeze.
2. Pickled Eggs and Pork Fat. Nothing complements the skin like suet, and the vinegar from pickled eggs ensures that you’ll not wish to eat another thing all the live long day.
3. Prost! William the Conqueror’s alcohol-only diet. Though it was remarkably unsuccessful, leaving the corpulent and very dead monarch in need of a casket big enough for his girth, it certainly was fun while it lasted!
4. The Graham Diet. As we all know, lust of food is related to that other type of lust: the one responsible for epilepsy, spinal diseases, and all manner of madness. The visionary minister Sylvester Graham came up with the original vegan, bland diet in order to assuage his own sexual cravings. His legacy lives on, thanks to Nabisco and those ubiquitous crackers.
5. The Tapeworm Diet. If all else fails, there’s always parasites. Before gastric bypass was invented, this was the only option for some morbidly obese individuals. Unfortunately, tapeworms are ill-behaved and tend to become unwelcome guests. Before long, not only are they helping themselves to your food, they’re bold enough to insist upon stealing the luster from your hair, skin and nails as well. Although they can help you shed the pounds for spa season, longterm, you’ll wish you never invited them.
Mahlzeit!
Well, Sisi, it appears that we haven’t outgrown the need for culinary and dietetic intervention 150 years or so later. But these days, my eating anxiety has more to do with keeping inflammation at bay than battling the scale. Fad diet-wise, I’m sort of hovering around number 4, the Graham diet above—not that I’m avoiding lust (bring it on, please), but I’m giving the plant-based, intermittent fasting regimen a go. Seems my joints, bones, digestion, and endorphin-producing mechanism needs some help. Oh, and yeah, I’m doing a semi-dry January (only drinking socially, and sparingly). Here’s this morning’s meal, replete with homemade butter bean spread, pumpkin seeds, Emmer toast, oatmeal, fruit, and date/rose water “syrup.” And it only took five hours to prep!
I will report back, and if I regain some spry bounciness, I may reengage with the empress for additional tips.
Man, I wish graham crackers and corn flakes assuaged sexual desires. Probably if you only ate those things you'd not only give up sex but also on life. Damn you, Kellogg's.
Love that photo. I know about Lydia Yuknavitch, Chelsea Cain, Monica Drake, Cheryl Strayed, and Chuck Palahniuk. I don't know the last two. And speaking of dieting and eating, I went to the store today and bought big bags of spinach, kale, and collard greens. I never ate leafy greens like this but I'm gonna try to eat more this year lol